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My Dilemma Revealed

1 September 2008 10 Comments

Well, there's been a lot of thought on whether or not to post this. I'll come right out and ask, that for what i am about to say, please don't judge me! I know how people can react over certain things and i realize what i'm about to say will probably change how i'm looked at and i may end up regretting i ever mentioned it.... but i have to!

Has something ever been eating and eating at you until you just couldn't stand it any longer? If you have felt those feelings then you know how i feel, and how i have felt for some 34 years. I'm 42 years old now so you can imagine how long i've dealt with the turmoil and all that's went on in my head and my heart. Gosh this is tougher than i thought. Several times i've just deleted this post then started writing again. Maybe deep down in my heart, this was the reason i started this blog, so i could once and for all say what i needed to say and put this horror that has lived inside of me to rest.

Please remember, i am as you are, whoever reads this, i am just like you, a human being. So please just try and put yourselves in my shoes as i try to do what i feel is the right thing.........

I don't remember the year, because my memory doesn't serve me as well as it used to. Actually it never really served me too well at all. But i do know that it was the 4th grade, so that probably puts me at about 8 or 9 years old? It's weird that i can't remember how old i was, but the event that took place that day is burned in my memory and i see it in my memory as if it happened yesterday.

Anyone who has ever went to school has to remember "show & tell". You know, the part of the school day when everyone got to bring a special item, stand up and present it to the class and then talk about it or explain what it was. Do they even do that in school anymore? I know for me, show & tell are two words that have haunted me since that day in my 4th grade class.

There was a guy in our class that had a glass eye. I won't reveal his name, he's dealt with enough since that day. You all know how cruel kids can be right? Well i was no exception. Of course i wasn't the only one, but i took a situation beyond cruel and for that i have lived almost all my life in shame of it. Shame that i hid daily.

Whenever we knew that show & tell was coming up, several of us would always, ummm encourage him to take his glass eye out and use it for show & tell. He was pretty much a loner so i guess after weeks of aggravating him, he said he would do it. Maybe he felt that if he gave in to the pressure, he would feel a part of the gang? You know how it is with people of low self esteem, they tend to do things they normally wouldn't do just to fit in.

So one day he came to us and said he was going to use his glass eye for show & tell. How awesome that would be! We could see a glass eye and maybe he could come out of his shell a little and gain some respect and confidence. I remember that morning we were all on pins and needles. We couldn't wait for show & tell to start and we couldn't wait to see him take his eye out and show the entire class.

Finally the time came and we all gathered in the floor as the teacher stood before us ready to call ask who had something to show & tell. To my surprise, as soon as the teacher ask, "ok, who has something for show & tell today", he quickly raised his hand so he could be first. I remember thinking he would back out or wait for a while, but no, he jumped at the chance to show his glass eye.

There he stood, in front of the entire class, and we were wondering how this would all take place. The teacher didn't have a clue as to what he was planning on doing, so when she asked him what he had to show & tell, he pulled his shirt up over his head, put his hands in his shirt and then, there it was. He dropped his shirt, lifted his hand in the air and low and behold, there was his glass eye. Of course i didn't know whether to look at his eye, or the ummm, void it left on his face. I remember looking back and forth as he stood there proudly displaying his eye to the class. The teacher kinda turned pale and sat down and the class was so silent that you could hear a pin drop.

With a smile, and one eye, on his face, he stood there as proud as could be! Then then unthinkable happened. The teacher finally got her composure and ask him to please put his eye back in. We all moaned and he seemed very disappointed.

The next thing that happened has caused me to live in anguish all these years since that time. As he went to put his eye back in, he sneezed and yup, he dropped his eye. Everybody started looking, but nobody could find it. The teacher had us slowly move around and look under all the desks and under the table he was standing next to, but no eye.

I remember crawling around, looking feverishly for this guy's eye, and of course he had started crying and it was building up in the cavity where his eye used to be. So every little bit it would look like a waterfall coming out of his head. I know i know, that's cruel but i'm just stating the facts of that day so i can deal with this and move on.

OMG, there it was, it had bounced next to the wall and was in a little nook between two book cases. I stared at it for a moment, and it stared back. I was almost in a trance and didn't know what to do. Without even thinking, i grabbed the eye and did the worst thing ever, i stuck it in my pocket and never told a soul. I was caught up in the moment folks, i had no idea what was going on in my head. All i knew is that eye caught my eye and i had to have it.

As luck would have it for me, the show & tell was at the end of the day and by the time all the scrambling took place, it was time to go home. Of course the teacher asked us all time and time again did we have his eye and everyone denied it. I don't know why they never searched us for his eye? Maybe if i had been caught with it, i wouldn't have lived with this turmoil all my life. But i had it, and i remember getting home, running to my room and locking the door, taking the eye out of my pocket and just staring at it. I hid the eye in my closet in a box with some marbles i had collected. I thought that way it wouldn't be to obvious if anyone opened the box.

What had i done? I was excited, scared and worried. I had this poor guys eye. How could i ever face him the next day at school? How could i ever look him in the eye?

The next day, i nervously walked into class that morning and sat down. Sure enough, in he came and as i expected.. a patch. He was so embarrassed and all he did was hang his head and sit down, never said a word. The class was as quiet as could be and the teacher stood up and confronted us about the eye. She talked about how his family couldn't afford a new eye and that whoever had it, better start talking. I knew no one had seen me take it, so i wasn't worried about being singled out, but i just couldn't for the life of me, admit i had this guys eye in my box of marbles in my closet at home. And there was really nothing the teacher, principle or anybody could do, since they had let us all go home that day it happened without a search. It was our word against theirs and i sure wasn't talking!

As i sit here typing all this, i'm wiping tears away. I feel as though finally talking about this has given me some sort of closure, but part of me is still in turmoil.

Years went by, and that poor guy never did get another eye. I don't know if his parents never could afford it, or if they just wouldn't get him another eye in fear of him losing it. I had classes with him at different times throughout school, but i never really could face him and never talked to him much after that day at show & tell. He never seemed to recover from that terrible day and probably was worse and more introverted than he was before we talked him into showing off his eye.

From time to time i would take his eye out of my box of marbles and play with it. I would carry it around in my pocket but i never dared tell a soul about what i had or where i had gotten it. I was a hunter and sometimes when i'd kill a rabbit or something that was big enough, i'd take that eye and put in the the rabbits head to see what it looked like, things like that. It was a secret that only i knew about and i was planning on carrying it to my grave. Not the eye, just the secret. As i got older i would forget about the eye and that horrible day of show & tell. Then i would see a golf ball, or a walnut, and it would bring back all the horrible feelings i was carrying. I remember one day i was in the toy section of the store, i hadn't thought about the eye in a long time and i just happened to look down and see a bag of marbles. I just stood there and cried.....

Just as a lot of us do, i tend to not think about those things that bother us, things we know we have done wrong. I guess we are all alike and we think that if we forget about something, it'll go away on its on. But this hasn't went away. As a matter of fact, it gets worse for me.

I was going through my stuff not too long ago. All the things i had kept over the years, pocket knives, matchbox cars and things like that. I was digging around and when i seen that box, it all came flooding back. I opened the box and there was his eye, still laying there with the marbles. I couldn't deal with it anymore, i had to get rid of it! I had been haunted long enough! I tried to think of a way to get rid of it, should i flush it? Should i just throw it in the woods? Should i drive down the road and toss it out the window? NOOOO, not me!

As if i hadn't lived with enough, having dealt with this memory all my life, i did something with that eye that i never thought i would do. I sold it on Ebay. How pitiful of a person am i? Not only do i steal a guys eye in the 4th grade, i hide it all these years, then sell it on Ebay. There's no telling what kind of life he has lived since school? I do know he never got another eye as i had seem him walking down the road a few years back, and he still had his patch on. He was probably homeless and couldn't get a job. He probably never married because of the empty socket in his head. And all because of me!

So, here we are, 2008, all these years later. What do i do? How can i let this go? How can i finally put this to rest and find some closure. Do you know how hard it's been living with this all my life? Every time i watch some sort of election and they would vote and say, they I's have it, i would break down. Every time i seen a marble or any sphere that resembled an eye, i would lose it and just cry. I tried to take up golf, but i always would look down and see an eye instead of a golf ball. This eye has controlled my life and i have to end it!

So what do i do? Do i take the $13.95 plus shipping that i made on Ebay for the eye and send that money to him? Should i take the money to him personally? Is that enough? How much does an eye cost? Should i just go to him and apologize and hope for the best? What if he's dead? Do i go buy another eye and place it on his grave? WHAT DO I DO? I have to let this go? I can't hold on to this burden any longer!!!

I hope you can help me decide what to do. I never imagined i would put this life changing event out for the entire world to read it. Please don't judge me. I'm sure all of us have made mistakes, right?

Oh and one last thing....


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10 Comments »

  • Misty said:

    what tha heck? so i sat here and read this story, which by the way was very very long and it’s all a joke. you’re evil!!! before i clicked the link, i was gonna ask you if that’s why you’re so in love with MY EYES!! :)

    [Reply]

  • phizzle said:

    You need help….haha…dude I was laughing through the whole thing…i was feelin’ bad for laughing at you feeling bad…arshole :)

    Do you feel the same way about all those ashtrays you stole? Think of all those smokers who went to McD’s and couldn’t enjoy and cigarette or worse, went into a nicotine fit and choked on their Big Mac and died…I hope you’re happy now.

    L8R,
    pf

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  • anita said:

    you are insane! i was feeling horrible about myself ’cause i was laughing. i kept imagining living in a house with a lone eyeball in the next room and thinking, “no wonder you never would go to sleep by yourself.”!!!!
    u crazy. fofl!!!!!!!

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  • Big Sis said:

    Eye think you’re crazy!! I kept trying to remember you having a box of marbles hidden somewhere in the house……….geeze…..

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  • Jake said:

    @ Misty, hahaha.. i’m in love with your eyes because they are GORGEOUS! Evil? hahaha.. it’s amazing what goes on in this mind of mine!

    @ Phizzle, Now how do you know this isn’t real? Am i gonna have to put a link to the Ebay auction where i sold the eye? heheh. Oh the ashtrays, i had forgotten about that! Well at that point in my life i was trying to save lives and stamp out smoking haha! btw, hope u got your truck seat worked out!

    @ Anita, yeah i was laughng at myself.. sometimes i would tear up from wondering where i come up with this stuff, kinda scary huh?

    @ Big Sis, u think EYE am crazy? haha, i guess that definately shows i’m a part of that family tree you’re working on :) Hope your camping trip was fun!

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  • Suzanne said:

    OMG! Yea … you got me … hook, line, and sinker! And I almost didn’t look at the pic … because I thought it might gross me out!!!!!!! If you’d taken up a collection for the eye … I would’ve sent you money … too funny! ROTFLMAO! S

    [Reply]

  • anita said:

    One last thing…..I could not believe you only made 13 bucks for an eyeball!!!!!
    i need help. or do i????:-)

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  • Ashley Jayne said:

    yeah I already texted you what I thought about this…. you better quit picking on people with glass eyes or you’re gonna end up with one :P

    [Reply]

  • anita said:

    U’re not the only crazy. I have to admit. I’ve pulled a few in my lifetime. Here’s one….I used to work in a toast factory. Not making toast, well, yeah we did, but we made toasters. Anywho, sometimes we’d get a huge order and they’d hire temps to help.
    There was this one chick. I swear, the girl was as dense as dirty dishwater!!!!

    I had finally gotten dental insurance, so I had some dental work done. This was back when they used to call it “bonding”. Gave you a great smile.
    This dumb girl literally asked me one night (i worked 3rd shift), if the teeth were mine!?!
    What nuckle head does that? So, I decided to play along. I told this chick, “NO, they belonged to my sister. I wear them at night and when I got off work in the morning, I would go by her house and give them to her and she wears them during the day at her job. Then at night, before I get to work here, I go by her house and grab the teeth, pop them in and come to work here.”
    She stood, pale faced and said, “Wow, that’s nice. It works out well doesn’t it? I guess it’s good they fit both of you!!!!”

    WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE COME FROM!!!!!????? Maybe where the guy in the picture does???hahahaha

    btw….u shoulda’ seen the look on your nephews’ faces as they were reading your story. I had to leave the room so they wouldn’t see me doubled over laughing. My middle wouldn’t even read the whole story. He freaked!!!! Then he saw the pic.
    My youngest thought the picture was real…..until he caught me laughing. So freakin’ funny.

    [Reply]

  • Jake (author) said:

    @ AJ.. yeah, i worry about that.. i was worried about you being born, after picking on so many people growing up, i was skurred at what you were gonna look like haha

    @ Suzanne.. Girl i had myself believing myself hahaha, i have no idea how these stories enter my mind! Kinda scarey!

    [Reply]

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