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Pocket Taser Stun Gun – Great Gift for the Wife

26 September 2008 One Comment

Hope you enjoy this story as much as I did!!!!

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
That sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary
And I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
Taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
Lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
Allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
Brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
Button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
That if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface
At the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
Back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
Spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
Myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
Batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
Thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
& blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
A second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
Would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
Reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
Directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
Cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
Three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop
On the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
Three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while
I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less
Than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
Two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no
Possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
My best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
Head cocked to one side as to say, " don't do it dipshit,"
Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole
Thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
One second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
My naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. . . HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
Picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
Carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
Up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,
Body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
Found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
Position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
Clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
Obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
Flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second
Burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that
Thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
About on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
Conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
Thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
Left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
Glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
Upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
Was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know
for sure and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm
still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!

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One Comment »

  • misty said:

    Hilarious…

    [Reply]

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