Well... it's been 30 years since you left this ole world.  December 4th, 1978, God decided your time on earth was done.  At 50 years old, you left way too early.  Everybody always says God has his reasons for taking good people.  I wish i knew what those reasons were.  Being 13 years old when you left, i don't have too many memories.  The ones i do have i occasionally play over in my mind from time to time.  They were all good memories other than a few that i have of me getting into trouble and i can only remember a couple of those so i must have been a pretty good kid?  The memories i have are pretty much along the lines of baseball and fishing and that sort of thing.  I know you were my coach or at least always participated when i played baseball.  I remember you showing me how to throw a knuckle ball and we had our little "sign" for you to tell me when to throw that special pitch during the game.  I never did get the hang of baseball too much, but i tried my best.  You always took me fishing and i remember a few of the places we went.  I also remember you taking me to shoot guns at the old abandoned Gwyn Mansion as it was called.  Even as i type this i can think of other things i haven't thought of in a long time....  sitting on your lap on the front porch watching it rain.  Going to Granny's after church Sunday night to eat left overs.  I wish i had more memories...

For some reason it was so much harder when you died than when mama died.  I guess at 10 i didn't really understand.  I do remember Bobbie driving to the hospital and she started crying.  That's when i realized it was pretty serious.  I remember them letting me come in to see you for the last time and i gave you a kiss.  I don't remember how much time pasted from that moment until you died, that's all a blur to me.  I just remember being at Bo's house and everyone coming in crying saying you had died.  I remember feeling so lonely at that moment and i remember just walking out and walking towards our house out the road.  I remember it was raining and i just walked and cried.

I've always wondered what it would have been like if you had been here all these years.  You would have turned 80 this year on July 1st.  Wow, just trying to imagine how things would have been is hard to even perceive.  There were so many times in my life i needed advice and direction.  I know Bobbie and Phil did the best at something they didn't even have to do when they took me in, but i always wondered what it would be like growing up with a daddy.  I can't imagine how lost you felt when mama died 3 years before you did.  I know the hurt and pain i've dealt with at times has been almost unbearable, so i can't imagine how you felt when you lost mama after being together so many years.  I've tried to make the best decisions, but i've failed a lot.  Not that i would have never made a mistake if you were here, but i just wish i could have come to you, or called you and said, daddy i need to talk, i need some advice.  I wish i could have watched you grow old and i wish you could have met my daughter and my grandson.  I would have loved for you to have met Misty, i know you probably already know, she is my Angel!

I don't know what all you see or know from Heaven, but i hope i've made you proud more times than not.  I know it was so hard to let you and mama go.  Mama dieing when i was 10 and you dieing when i was 13, i felt lost for so many years.  For years i couldn't even think or talk about a father and his son without crying or getting depressed.  I can remember seeing a tv show or commercial or just talking to someone, and if there was a scene or a mention of a dad and his son, i would just lose it.  With all the crap i went through in my marriage and other things in my life, i came to a low point to where i was ready to give up.  I remember i was in counseling at that point in my life, dealing with everything i was going through.  I remember leaving the counselor and driving up 52 and i just had a nice long talk with God.  I told God i needed to let you go, not the memories, just the hurt.  I couldn't deal with it any longer.  I don't think i've ever cried that hard in my life.  At 32 years old, i finally let you go.  I felt as though a million bricks had been lifted off me that day.  For the first time in my life i could think about you, talk about you and remember you with a smile on my face and not cry.

I remember sitting at lonestar one time a few years back.  There were some people sitting close by and they got to talking about tattoos and it gave me an opportunity to show the one i have on my arm of your sheriff's badge.  And it gave me an opportunity to talk about you.  There was a younger girl there that had just lost her dad and when i told her about losing you, i could see the hurt on her face.  She walked up and asked me how i dealt with it, i told her that it took me 19 years to let go.  She said, "do you mean it's going to be that hard?" and i said, "i mean it's going to be OK!"  I don't know why i always remember that conversation....  it just seemed to give her a piece of mind?  I was glad i could be strong for once, for somebody that was going through the same thing.

I love talking to the older guys at work that either worked with you or played ball with you many years ago.  Everyone always has the nicest things to say about you.  I always feel so proud!  They tell about you all having raffles at work for knives and different things.  In those days you all would take a target and shoot at it, and whoever got closest to the bulls eye would win.  I'm told that they put blanks in the gun once, and you got so upset because you were such a good shooter and couldn't figure out why you were missing the target!  They still talk about that here at work.  One guy told me you must have had an iron stomach, because you all would come in to work in the mornings and you would pick up the coffee pot and take a drink of coffee that had been there from the day before.  Others worked for you and have nothing but great stories and wonderful memories.  I hope when i'm gone on, others will have as good of memories of me as your friends have of you.  You were a special man!

I miss you daddy, i really miss you!  I wish i could just talk to you for a minute, just hear your voice or hear you laugh.  I wish i could hug your neck and go to breakfast with you.  I wish we could go hunting or fishing, or take a ride on the parkway.  I wish i could sit and listen to you talk about the old days and how things were.

In the short time you were my daddy, you were the best daddy ever.  I wouldn't trade those 13 years for anything.

Leroy Leftwich  1928-1978

Go Rest High

  • Share/Save/Bookmark

Related posts: